My Point Of View

I am beginning to understand how my point of view differs from that of many people. Christmas has come and gone, and not once have I set foot in a church for services. I am rather rabid in my avoidance of the holy precincts. Usually we attempt to attend Pastor Eberhard's German language service in Advent at the Lutheran church, but we did not this year. Instead, I tolled the beads of a rosary, having issued an invite to one and all within earshot to join. Well, do not send to ask who with me the beads do toll... Their names were Nemo, Personne, and No Man. I tolled alone. Some years ago I studied for an important placement exam. I was studying hard and for long hours. I was worried about the exam and my future and my family. One night something happened; perhaps I fell asleep, perhaps not. A holy presence walked forward and told me that I had no need to fear, for I would literally ace the exam. Short version: I woke up relieved from all fear, and went on to ace said exam, something to the tune of 99.9th percentile. The point of this is that over the years I forgot this happened. Then my wife reminded a few years ago. (...and there have been other events along the way...)

I did not stop and obsess about "speaking to God" or seeing angels. I kept on going. No holy presence said "Here I am. Stop here and worship forever!!". Some presence - it may have been an image of Jesus, actually - talked to me about an exam and said I'd ace it. That's all there is to that.

I spend time praying each and every day. From a childish and pubertal obsession with God-the-Father or God-the-Avenger or God-who-loves-America-above-all-nations or all that other nonsense and gibberish beaten into our young heads, I have come to a place where I feel quite comfortable with the Holy. This is not to say I am overly familiar and satisfied with the divine. The weather of God changes dramatically, and one must always strive to be on the qui vive theologically, so to speak. Now I have said here that I do not hold with the notion of talking to God, for this could very well lead to a fine madness on my part. I still hold this to be true and valid. If I had to describe Prayer now, I would be forced to use a metaphor of Stephen King's and say that Prayer is a Shining. Not a Shining quite like in his novel, but a wordless quiescence or turbulence, being at peace or wrestling, a warmth and cold, a great moving and a million years of solitude............. I have struggled to understand God and myself every day of my life. That is how my point of view differs. It is not better than someone else's, but it allows me to say: you must be student every day! And herein I guess is my problem with churches. Whenever I have walked with God, I never found a place of absolute stasis: God always continued walking to and fro throughout the universe, not stopping in one spot and one spot alone to bask in the fevered "hosannas" of a singular people at one idiosyncratic time. God never stops. If you like to think God defines, He never stops defining Himself nor the Universe. God is changing all the time in my consciousness, because my consciousness is so limited, it requires an infinite time to experience God. So I feel this ongoing tumult as change. Whether God Himself changes or not is up to Himself. So...the best way to describe Prayer may be to go walk-about with the Holy. See if you can keep up for a bit. Send me a post card.