Language

I received an email from Nicole E. Billionaire today. She wants me to handle some of her stateside investments while she is still taking care of things in Nigeria. Poor soul! I shall, of course, steal her millions and leave her penniless. Sometimes I actually feel sorry for these simple folks. On another topic - the main topic actually - there was another email that startled me briefly. It stated: End Time Share Maintenance Fees. Of course, I read this as something to do with End (of) Time. (or EOT as we call it.) Then, I realized that it wasn't enough that EOT presaged the end of everything as we know it, but we had to pay upkeep for the catastrophe.
Add Maintenance Fee to that old maxim about Death and Taxes. I peaked at the contents without opening the virus-ridden IED and suddenly all was clear. It had something to do with Time Sharing of condos and nothing at all with EOT and Death, unless you time-share with the Grim Reaper.

For the longest time I would see crude signs posted by the side of the road saying: Camp Fire Wood. I naturally assumed that there was a chain of camps for RVs and such and that "Fire Wood" was the name of the campgrounds. I assumed that the rustic and crude nature of the signs was part of their genius marketing which was intended to give a subliminal impression of Nature untrammelled by the works of civilization. This interpretation lasted for a couple years, believe it or not, until I finally saw a sign by the road that said: Campfire Wood for Free. Oh, I thought, wood for campfires. That makes more sense.
Then very recently I came across: Invisible Fence Dog in Training. I think I had recently been reading about Japanese robo-canines, so I was ready for a major change in how the Species Canis Domesticus was defined. I read the notice as saying that the breed of dog called "Fence Dog" ( which obviously was bred to work in concentration camps and prisons) lived nearby and the breed had been improved by adding the characteristic of "Invisibility" to it-not a bad improvement for a guard dog, and this dog was in training. So as I passed I scanned the area with my peripheral vision, hoping thereby that I would get a fuzzy glimpse - like the Predator in the film of the same name - of the so-called invisible dog that guarded the fenced perimeter. This nonsense only lasted for 20 seconds until I recalled what "Invisible Fences" were and knew that the sign meant that dog A is being trained for an invisible fence B and numbskull C driving by best keep his eyes on the road.